


i'd give the world to you

by A_Paradox



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Guilt, Guilty Tony Stark, Hurt Peter Parker, Hurt Tony Stark, Parent Tony Stark, Protective Tony Stark, Realization, Tony Stark Angst, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric, shit happens, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 04:59:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18004235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Paradox/pseuds/A_Paradox
Summary: Tony Stark feels a little bit guilty for what happens to Peter Parker.





	i'd give the world to you

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry, i'm actually quite awful at summaries, but i was itching to post this? enjoy the abuse of parallelism and certain phrases.

The Avengers' Civil War—eloquently dubbed by the press—came and went. He lost his most trusted best friends over a petty UN treaty and miscommunication. He found out that his parents were actually murdered, and Steve-fucking-Rogers knew. He lost all progress in improving his deteriorated mental health, the hits from Rogers' shield still jerking him awake at night, his dreams persistently plaguing him, his nightmares continuing to consume him with added fuel and trauma that never seems to go away. Trauma that seems to keep layering on thickly around his guarded heart. At the time, he was so ready to simply give up and let Death finally win and take him—he had accepted it even—but the Captain so mercifully spared him, leaving the engineer and his broken arc reactor in who knows where. Leave it to Rogers to make the most _amazing_ decisions.

Sometimes, Tony wishes he were dead.

He gained an ally: Spider-Man. He had put more trust in a freaking 15-year-old kid who readily joined his side in another country, completely willing, without knowing the full circumstance, simply agreeing because _Tony Stark_ was his _hero_ , a complex the engineer had (at the time) shamelessly manipulated. He sent a literal _child_ into a war-zone, a child who could have easily died had an (ex-) Avenger not pull back. That fact also plagued his dreams, the guilt eating away at him every second of his conscious (and not so conscious) life. In his nightmares, Tony would see the blood on his shaking hands as a mere teenager begged to stay alive after having received a fatal hit from an Avenger Tony had forced him to fight. He would see Rogers effortlessly cutting through the boy with his shield, or an enlarged Ant-Man brutally swatting the kid into the concrete and further. Instead of helping, the engineer always stood back and helplessly watched; his body unable to move, his limbs locked, an invisible force holding him back despite his relentless struggling; his mind replaying a death that would have been his fault over and over again, the desperate begs and screams never ceasing in scaring him awake. It latched onto his conscience, and Tony hated it.

Sometimes, Tony wishes he wasn't so selfish.

He vowed to take a step back, but still watch over and mentor the kid from the side. It was the least he could do without getting too attached.

Then came the Vulture fiasco.

Peter almost drowned. Tony yelled at the kid, pleading with him to leave the situation alone to people who could handle it, like himself— _be a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man_ , he had said. His nightmares repeated and rewinded a version where Peter didn't make it in time, where he held the boy's frozen, numb, limp body in his quivering, metaphorically—and literally—bloody hands. Or, a version where it was his suit that arrived just seconds too late, and his body would itch to reach for the corpse, but he was simply _too far_.

Sometimes, Tony feels that he's too desensitized.

Peter almost got himself and 100 other people killed on a ferry. Iron Man came to save the day, even though he didn't initially listen. He dreams of versions where the Spiderling didn't make it in time and all the poor kid's webs made from pure panic snapped. Where the kid plunged into freezing water and walked into Death's hold with all the other unfortunate victims, despite all his potential. God, Peter has _so much potential_. The kid who was trying _so_ hard and simply wasn't fast or precise _enough_ , the kid who thought that he _himself_ was not _enough_ , because Tony was terrified and a goddamn moron. He thinks of how he took the teenager's suit away; the desperate and pleading look in the boy's innocent brown eyes, the boy's rushed words that caused his voice to waver and threaten to crack, the hushed whisper of a disappointed agreement, the sad acceptance to a punishment the teen didn't truly deserve. _I wanted you to be better_ , Tony had said. The kid had thought he had disappointed his "hero", but it wasn't disappointment. It was panic and fear that led Tony to his rash decision and harsh words. It was only supposed to be a week anyways, just so the kid learned to not be so reckless. To not be so self-sacrificial.

Sometimes, Tony feels like he's Howard.

Peter was threatened and had a freaking gun pointed at his face from his date's dad. He wasn't even trying to get into trouble that time, it was all just unfortunate luck that always seemed to follow the poor teen. And instead of heeding the threats and admitting defeat, Peter continued to seek out Toomes. Instead of prioritizing his own safety, the kid held the lives of others above his own. _With great power comes great responsibility_ , after all.

Peter had a fucking building collapse on him. Without his multi-million dollar suit that would have fucking helped. With his fucking tights and a fucking hoodie and a mask made from a fucking beanie. The kid tried to hide that one for a while, but you can't hide claustrophobia and a fear of buildings falling and paranoia and PTSD and amplified anxiety forever. Tony tried, he knows. Peter had somehow miraculously lifted a 200 ton building off his weakened body, and instead of healing, he immediately pursued the very villain that nearly just fucking killed him. Turns out, Tony taking away the suit only made it worse: it almost caused the very death the engineer was trying so hard to prevent. Funny how that worked. His nightmares revolved around the frantic gasping and the choking and the squirming and the struggling and the slow death of a teen who deserved _more_ , all because Tony had to take the fucking suit to unfairly punish a kid who was only trying. Leave it to Tony to make things fucking worse, regardless of his best intentions.

Sometimes, Tony wishes he could do better.

Peter crashed a plane, _his_ plane, to save _his_ (worthless) shit. Right into Coney Island. Where the kid kept fighting. Where the kid let his torso be clawed and punctured, his body thrown around and beaten. The plane burned, and so did Peter. Tony found him collapsed in an alleyway.

Sometimes, Tony wished he could _be_ better.

Peter had nightmares too. Just like himself, the kid built walls and hid behind a faltering facade of everything being "okay" and "it's not a big deal". A facade of normality. But it _wasn't_ okay, and it _was_ a big deal. Tony saw how Peter's face would scrunch up and how his hair would become matted to his face from sweat. How his body would jerk and twitch, and soft whimpers would escape through clenched teeth. How his eyes would be squeezed shut and his breaths harsh and rigid. How his fists would be balled and nails would dig into his callusing palm, a short trickle of blood staining the pale skin. How he'd wake up in a panic, flailing or short of breath. How he'd wake up choking back desperate sobs or screaming until his throat ran dry and his voice would break. Tony would comb his fingers through Peter's brown curls and suddenly the tension would dissipate from the boy's shoulders and his breathing would even, his fists would uncurl and his face would relax. And Tony would stay the entire night, soothing the child and gently tousling his hair. He wished he could do more.

Tony wished he listened.

Tony wished he payed more attention and gave Peter his time.

Tony wished he didn't push him away as he did. He wished he didn't just put a block of Happy in between.

Tony wished he gave Peter his own personal number and replied to his every call and message as frequently as he tinkered.

Tony wished he didn't hide his care, his drive to protect the kid, his want to be there.

 .

 .

 .

 .

 .

Tony vowed. He may have lost his best friends, but he gained a kid to look after. He gained a son. He wouldn't let him go.

Sometimes, Tony no longer wanted to die.

**Author's Note:**

> y'know, this was supposed to have a much more grim ending, but i decided against it. 
> 
> anyways, it's been a while (more like first time) since i've successfully finished an actual work, so please feel free to leave a comment!


End file.
